FEELING BLUE

I AM TYPING IN CAPS AND FONT IS ALSO LARGE FROM USUAL. THE REASON BEHIND THIS, IT MAKES MORE IMPRESSION ON THE MIND OF READER HOWEVER I DON’T WANT ANYBODY TO READ IT. IT IS POSSIBLE THAT IN THE FLOW OF FEELINGS I CAN COME TO HINDI TO EXPRESS MY FEELING MORE ACCURATELY FURTHER IN THIS NOTE. I STARTED TYPING ON 07:41 PM, EVENING OF 9^TH SEPTEMBER 2011. MY 19^TH BIRTHDAY IS NOW ON A DISTANCE OF ONE WEEK. MUSIC OF FEELING BLUE IS GOING THROUGH MY HEADPHONE. I AM OCCUPIED WITH ALL THE THINGS NECESSARY TO LIVE A PEACEFUL LIFE HOWEVER THERE IS SOMETHING WHICH IS NOT LETTING ME TO DO IT. MY LIFE IS NOT AT THE POINT WHERE I SUPPOSED IT TO BE ON. I AM NOT MENTALLY BALANCED.

IT’S THE MONTH WHICH I LOVE THE MOST CAUSE MY BIRTHDAY COMES IN IT BUT THIS TIME IT’S THE SAME MONTH IN WHICH I  HAVE BEEN CRIED SO MANY TIME, SOMETIMES WHEN THERE IS NO ONE IN ROOM, SOMETIMES WHEN I FEEL THERE IS NO ONE IN MY LIFE. EVEN THIS TIME I AM NOT SO EAGER TO CELEBRATE MY BIRTHDAY. I HAVE NOT YET EVEN ASKED TO MAA FOR NEW CLOTHES, WHICH I HAVE BEEN BRAUGHT ON MY EACH BIRTDAY SO FAR.

I WANT TO CRY ON EXTENT. I DON’T SAW MY FACE BUT PEOPLE NOTICE MY SWELLED EYES. I DON’T SMILE WITHOUT A REASON, HOWEVER I DON’T FIND ANY REASON. I DO IGNORE PEOPLE BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO TALK, THAT IS MAKING MY LIFE MORE ISOLATED. THAT’S WHAT I WANT THIS TIME, A PERFECT ISOLATION, ALL ALONE. ITS BEEN MORE THAN 3 AND HALF YEARS WHEN I LEFT MY HOME. MY HOME WHERE I LEARNED THE VALUES OF LIFE WHERE I NEVER FOUND ANY SORROWNESS IN REAL, WHERE I NEVER CAME TO KNOW WHAT IS THE PAIN OF MISSING YOUR DEAR ONES. I MISS MY MOM, MY PAPA MY BOTH DIDI, MY GRAND MAA, MY CHEENU. I MISS THAT TIME WHEN WE WERE ALL TOGETHER, WE LIVED, LOVED, LAUGHED AT THE EXTENT. WE SHARED EVERYTHING WE GOT.

BUT NOW ITS TIME, WHICH CHANGES EVERY MINUTE, EVERY SECONDS, EVERY MOMENT AND WITH THAT, LIFE ALSO CHANGE. NO DOUBT ,I HAVE NO COMPLAINT TO MY FAMILY MEMBERS, THOUGH I CAN BET ON IT THAT I HAVE THE BEST FAMILY IN THE WORLD THAT COULD ANY ONE CAN EVER HAVE.

BUT I HAVE BOOK OF COMPLAINTS TO MY LIFE. IT’S A SUBJECT ON WHICH I CAN WRITE A BOOK, ASKING MY LIFE WHY IT DID EVERYTHING TO ME. AND AS A CONCLUSION I WILL LIKE TO FIND WHY I AM NOT HAPPY WITH YOU.

I AM REMEMBERING THE FIRST YEAR OF MY GRADUATION WHEN MY FIRST SESSIONAL WAS ON MY 15,16 AND 17^TH SEPTEMBER. WHEN AT THE END OF 15^TH I HAD SO MANY EXPECTATION FROM SO MANY PEOPLE TO REMEMBER MY DAY AND THEIR ATTEMPT TO MAKE ME REMEMBER THAT THEY REMEMBER IT IN REAL. BUT I WAS WRONG INFACT I DIDN’T GET ANY RESPONSE FROM ANYONE AT THE RIGHT TIME. THAT DAY I CAME TO KNOW THAT HIGH EXPECTATIONS GIVE YOU HIGH FALL, THAT MAKES YOU FEEL BAD. SO I LEARNED.
ITS NOW AGAIN IN FOURTH YEAR I AM HAVING SESSIONAL ON SAME DATES INCUDING MY BIRTHDAY. BUT THIS TIME I AM NOT LIKE BEFORE , WITH THE CHANGE OF THREE YEARS I HAVE ALSO BEEN CHANGED COMPLETELY. I HAVE NO EXPECTATIONS FROM ANYONE, ACTUALLY I DON’T WANT ANY ONE TO WISH ME ON THE DAY, BECAUSE I ACTULLY KNOW WHO REALLY MEAN IT.

DURING MY GRADS I MET SO MANY PEOPLE , SOME OF THEM DIDN’T TOUCHED ME AT ALL, MAJOR OF THEM WERE ONLY FOR CRITICIZING ME. A BIG NUMBER OF THEM DIDN’T ACTUALLY UNDERSTAND ME, VERY FEW OF THEM WERE ALWAYS THERE WITH ME. IF I TALK ABOUT MYSELF, I TRIED TO GIVE EVERYONE CHANCE TO HAVE A NICE TUNING WITH ME. THAT COULD BE MY BIGGEST FAULT. I SHARED SOME OF THINGS WITH SOME PEOPLE I TRUST, THOUGH SOME OF THEM WERE NOT TRUSTWORTHY. WHILE LIVING HERE I EXPERIENCED A WORLD. I WATCH EVERYKIND OF PEOPLE, INFACT EACH OF THEM MADE ME LEARN.

I AM NOW FED UP OF EVERYTHING. EVEN I AM FED UP OF TYPING ALSO. I DON’T WANT ANY ONE. I AM FED UP OF BREAKING OF FAKE PROMISES. I DON’T BELIEVE ON ANY ONE. I DON’T WANT TO TALK ANYONE. I WANT TO CRY. JUST CRY. I DON’T WANT ANYONES SHOLDERS TO PUT MY HEAD ON TO CRY. I DON’T WANT ANYONES LOVE, I DON’T WANT ANYONES CARE. MY FAMILY IS ENOUGH FOR THAT. EVERYONE WHO  CAME IN MY LIFE, ON WHOME I TRUST, HURTED ME, MADE ME FEEL GUILTY OF CHOOSING THEM AS MY CLOSE ONES. EVERYONE DID THE SAME SOMWHERE AT SOME POINT IN MY LIFE. EXCEPTIONS ARE EVERYWHERE, BUT THEY ARE REALLY FEW.

SO AT LAST I WILL LIKE TO SAY THAT I AM NOT FEELING GOOD. SOMETHING IS MISSING FROM MY ONGOING LIFE. AND THAT IS HAPPINESS. AND I KNOW THIS, TODAY AGAIN I WILL CRY TO FEEL SOME LIGHT. AND TOMORROW AGAIN PEOPLE WILL NOTICE MY DIFFERENT EYES. BUT NO ONE OF THEM WILL TRY TO FIND OUT THE REASON BEHIND THOSE WET FED EYES. AND I KNOW THIS TOO THAT FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE I WILL CRY ON MY BIRTHDAY, BECAUSE I WILL NOT BE ABLE TO FIND ANY REASON TO SMILE.

I AM STOPPING WRITING ON 08:42 PM. AFTER A ONE HOUR OF TYPING ON MY LAPTOP, I AM FEELING A LITTLE BETTER THAN I WAS ONE HOUR BEFORE.

COLOR OF LOVE

I was sleeping in the dreams of roses, and a soft whisper of a rose leaf on my lips forced me to open my eyes, she was at the side of wall, still lost in the fragrance of touch. she was silent like a night drenched in the moon light, her eyes were talking like a sound of cold wind sliding through my ear in that shiny night. before her touch i felt her hair on my face, and before her hair i felt her slow motion towards me. it was call of love, it was one of the color of love.

yes, shes still painted in the color of my love, like some paintings, which are impossible to understand by others, others only see a pattern of color in a canvas, but she and me can see the story through the painting. why she is doing this to me, i was in my thoughts, because she loves me. why she is preparing coffee for me, why she is twisting spoon in maggie for me moreover why she is kissing me day and night, why she is giving me all such wonderful moments, why she is playing with the colors of my memories. though i am thank full to her for all her creativity on my heart, but how would i be able to move on once she is not there. 

It was definitely love. i can confess that she was not my first love, and even I dont have any idea whether i was her first or not. but in the rainbow of intimacy which had blossomed after the rain of love, we were enjoying all the seven colours of our life. at that occasion i failed to realize this rainbow is not going to last forever. like all the drops when travelling in the sky reflects the colors and lost their significance when colliding to the earth, rainbow disappeared without leaving a single print of it.

I was not a victim of broken heart, because i somehow still alive, in fact i faced the helplessness , restlessness uneasiness, failures, mistakes but not a broken heart. i dint remember how I talked to her for the first time, not even this how I met her for the last time. but I remember all the things that happened with us between these two instants. yes I admit she is the greatest mistake of my life.

I Failed, I Failed, I Failed.

While cleaning up the mess….

when it came to you…..

I was confused…..

What to do…..

I failed to categorise…..

Yours signs, your memories…...

whether to forget or to memorise……

or to convert into stories……

I cleaned everything…….

except you from the mind…….

it was not intentional…….

I wasn’t able to do it fine…....

I drank the poison…..

Put myself to fight……

I vomit everything out……

it was you still inside……

I cried the oceans……

jumped in valleys and fell……

while erasing you from heart…..

I failed, I failed, I failed…….

......YOU AND ME......

I CAN ONLY SAY THESE WORDS.....
BABY PLEASE JOIN MY WORLD......
YES ITS ME, REAL OF ME.....
ITS ONLY ME, LONELY ME......


WHENEVER I THINK ABOUT YOU, ABOUT YOUR DIGNITY......
I FIND MYSELF LOST IN YOU, LOST IN YOUR BEAUTY.......
WORDS, CAN NOT EXPLAIN THAT WORLD......
WHERE I GET INTO, WHENEVER I THINK OF YOU.......


I DONT SLEEP AT THE NIGHTS......
BUT I DREAM ALL THE TIME........
I THINK ABOUT YOU, ABOUT YOUR STUPIDITY.......
AND I GET INTO BEAUTIFUL SIGHTS......


I LOOK UP THERE AT BLACK SKY.......
IN NIGHTS ITS NEVER BEEN EASY.......
TO FIND THAT GORGEOUS SIGHT.....
WHEN LOOKING ON THOSE CLOUDS, I  SAY ,ITS YOU AND ME........


WHEN YOU ARE NOT AROUND ME....
YOU REMAIN IN MY EYES OF MIND.....
I CAN ONLY SAY THESE WORDS......
OH GIRL, DO ENTER IN MY WORLD......

CRASHED HEART...

Heart is beating , above the normal......

It wanna come out, I am not that stronger......

It was in care of you, A gift you accepeted......

I know you loved it, As you were also than intrested......

But time rounds up, flames also fold up.

I thought you will never change, but now you treat me how strange.......

you returned my heart, that made me freazes......

but i cant take it back, I cant collect the pieces.....

Heart is bleeding red is everywhere....
pain is killing, is death coming here.....

You are the girl, who did it all.....
I am blaming myself for being involve......

feelings I have will never vanish for you......
but am not looking up to a life new.....

above the normal, heart is beating......
does it want to beat more? or is it going to be its ending.......

A GIRL WHO MADE ME LIKE THIS.

Looking at the stopped fan, sometimes I wondered why it was staring at me from such a long time. Thunders of thoughts were going through my mind. From the path of my mind these were exploring my heart to a limit where it tends to stop. Having thoughts about a girl, who was sometime completely mine. Girl, who snatched everything away from me. I had lost most of the reasons to live my life happily. A very simple love story was about to end. Though neither it was simple nor going to be ending for me. I was left only with some faded memories in my mind which were the only reasons of my living heart.You feel very trapped when you found yourself in such a condition when you need help but cannot afford yourself to manage help from anyone. In the same condition I was going through.

          I was keep staring at my phone screen and keep pressing the keys to avoid the screen to get faded.my phone was silent after a very long time. Having no messages and no miss call. it was same phone which was use to show almost 30 missed call and lots of loving messeges every time. And those missed calls and those replies I was missing like a hell. I had not left my room from 2 days. The atmosphere was totally out of mind from a normal living human. I decided to make a call from my phone, no matter where it goes, Whoever receive the call, I decided to share my condition , my feelings, to the one who was totally unknown to me. So that I  can feel some light and somehow find a way to get away from all of this. I don’t know what forced me to type those ten numbers which were the address of contact of someone. I could hear the bells that were ringing in the speaker. It was showing that someone was very busy because the phone was not picked up until the 8 or 9 times the bell ringed. Same as to my girl who used to let me wait and pick up the phone after long rings.

“hello….!!!!” It was again a girl on phone at other side.

I was in doubt will she be able to understand what was the purpose of my call…???

before making improvements in worlds condition, frst try to make some good changes in urself......